I’m really in no condition to be writing this, but I’m going to do it, but I’m going to make it fairly short. (where we had arranged to meet) right at five o’clock, just like he said.В We spent three hours there.В Some of that time we spent walking through the shopping areas.В We talked.В I’m such an idiot.В God, I’m such a fool. . each other. had because of him/us/me. I’ll say one more thing, then I’m going to leave the current ex-boyfriend issue for as long as I possibly can, which will hopefully be forever.В I am a very difficult person to be intimately involved with.В Scott is, too.В Which means we shouldn’t have a chance.
But neither of us are «players.»В I’m not running all over the place looking for the next di*k, and Scott’s not running all over the place looking for the next ...vagina.В (I was going to say «cunt,» but I’m trying to keep this fairly clean, because he’s going to read it, and he hates the word «cunt.»В Or so he says.)
It’s a miracle I even found a boyfriend.В And it’s a miracle he found a girlfriend.В Think about it.В What kind of guy wants an anorexic, overly-madeup, money-whore with a big, dirty sarcastic mouth for a girlfriend?В Not too many guys, I bet.
And what kind of a girl ...f**k it.В I can’t criticize him.В Any girl in her right mind would want a guy who is honest and doesn’t chase every CUNT he sees and is devoted and is SMART and doesn’t watch TV all day long.
issues, and maybe we can work through those, too.
This f**king website has turned into a soap opera, so hopefully all of you regulars have been able to cut me some slack on it.В Earlier on when I started writing more «personal» things here, I thought maybe I should just go and re-open Live ...from Malibu! again, but I didn’t want to do that, so I just wrote it all here.(I’m not putting the link to that site here.В If you don’t already know it, you don’t need to know it.)
. ejaculate on my comforter or whatever I did with Aimee that night.В (No link: either you know it or you don’t.)В But I won’t do any of that anymore, because I DO have a few morals left, and I want to be a good girlfriend. I have had no sleep, I am drunk, Aimee is drunk, she’s playing her guitar and I’m going to get mine and lay on the bed and play with her.В (Guitars, I mean.)В And we’re probably going to take a bath (in bathing suits), and we’re NOT going to call Lili, because Lili is normal and is asleep because she has to go beat the shit out of her body at the gym tomorrow. And I’ll call Scott at some point, because he’s back home and not in f**king Corona with his dumba*s friends.В And I’m going to say, «I don’t know what love is all about, my wonderful sweetheart, but I sure hope we figure it out fast.»В And he’ll say, «I’m going to steal a pair of your panties next time I’m over there.» Okay, what that’s all about is: When we were guzzling coffee earlier, he goes, «Before I moved, that day I was over at your house, and you were downstairs arguing with your mom about dinner, I almost swiped a pair of your underwear.» I thought, That’s kind of gross.В I asked him, was he going to take a clean pair or a dirty pair?В He goes, «A clean pair.» That was good.В I said, «Why were you going to do that?» And he goes, «To have something to use to think about you.» what he would have done with them, but I have a good idea. , I’d kind of like to see him wearing my (clean) underwear, because I’m so little and he’s not and there’s no way everything would fit. I need to tell him that next time we talk. Wait he’ll probably read this before we talk, so I won’t have to. Good night, Scott.В I do love you to the extent I understand love.В I hope you always love me the same way.В Please let’s just be normal from now on.В Because I swear to f**king God, I will end my life if I have to suffer very much more. Sarah! BONUS POINTS ,» which have been listening to off and on for the last hour. Nobody rocks like Ace. I wrote about a very freaky girl.В Scott is probably going to be upset by this, but we’ll see if he loves me as much as he says he does.В (This was written LONG before I met.) , a true-crime story about a woman in Indiana who over a two-week period had slowly poisoned her husband to death.В Lizzy checked out both books while Helen was occupied with Melinda.В Then she raked three more books off random shelves to add to her book bag as camouflage. .В Carla Blaylock had mixed cyanide in condiments she used as part of the meals she cooked for her husband, Rudy.В Ketchup on hamburgers, hot mustard on corned beef, mayonnaise in tuna salad.В Rudy began complaining of what he thought was a stomach virus, and a few days later he was too sick to go to work.В But he kept eating, and a week later he was dead.В Nobody had a clue he had been poisoned. Lizzy turned over to the back flap and read that it wasn’t until Rudy’s brother, a chemist, from whose laboratory Carla had stolen the poison, reported the theft that police began piecing together the But where would an eleven-year-old girl get cyanide?В You couldn’t just walk in a drug store and order up a batch.В At least Lizzy didn’t think you The book on common poisons listed the names of hundreds of substances that weren’t very common to Lizzy.В Reading the descriptions, however, she learned that a lot of the chemical bases were found in rat poison, ant killer, and other pest-control agents.В The text said small amounts could cause severe illness, and large amounts would virtually guarantee an agonizing death.В Rat poison might work pretty good.В And it would be a lot easier to get than been something she wanted to do, but she was old enough then to know she was too young to pull off anything as complicated as murder.В She might not be too young now, but it was a big decision, considerably more complex than what to eat or what to watch on TV.В She ran her finger around the edge of the book.В Assuming she was able to kill Jaycie and then got caught and put in the gas chamber, she wondered what would be the last book she would have read. get caught, life would be glorious, and she would have the rest of her life to read her last Four years ago, when Lizzy was seven, Jaycie and one of her friends, whose name Lizzy no longer remembered, tied her up and locked her in the closet of the upstairs storage room, which was now Beth-Anne’s bedroom.В They gagged her with a scarf and threatened to poke her eyes out with a fork if she screamed.В Helen found her two and a half hours later.В Jaycie was severely punished, but Lizzy didn’t think a couple of slaps and a month’s restriction and to bed after dinner for a week even came close to making up for the torture and humiliation she’d suffered.В Lizzy had been a child then, so her only recourse was turning into even more of a brat toward her big sister.В It was right after that episode that she started her Hate In a Care Bears notebook, five-by-seven inches in size and with a stiff pink-and-orange cover with a drawing of the bears frolicking in the woods, Lizzy wrote on the first page: I HATE JAYCIE.В Then on the second page she wrote a description of the closet incident.В Since then, she’d written down everything Jaycie had done to her that went beyond normal sister-teasing.В Nineteen pages of the book were now filled with all the emotion Lizzy had lost to Jaycie during the last four years.В The spitting incident on the plane and the tampon incident that had separated Lizzy from a boy she cared for at the time but didn’t anymore made up the last two entries.В Her Hate Book, until now, had been her only outlet to deal with the non-stop horror generated by Jaycie’s Her phone rang, startling her, as if she’d already done something wrong.В It was her «Where is everybody?В I tried the main number. «Mom and the movie star are downtown at some meeting.В Trent’s out with Santiago. «Santiago,» David Lizzy knew what he meant was, Why is my only son «It’s not that bad,» she said.В «I think Trent may be getting over all his gay stuff. «Really?В Did something happen? «Not yet. «Huh? «I mean I just have a feeling he might not be as gay as he used to be.В Like a sixth sense. «Do you believe in all that?В A sixth sense, I mean. «I think it’s possible. David paused.В Then, «How are you doing? «Fine. «How was school? «I didn’t go. «Are you sick? «No, Mom said she didn’t have time to take me and Jaycie, and Trent was already gone when I got up. «I was going to come over in a bit.В What time are Mom and Jaycie supposed to be back? «Mom said about five. «You sure you’re doing okay, baby? «Yeah, I’m great. «You sound a little preoccupied. «I’m just busy with homework.В Chemistry. «Yeah, well, that’s good.В Chemistry’s a good thing.» «That’s for sure.» «I’m stopping by Wh*le Foods on the way.В Want me to bring you anything?
Yeah, some rat poison, Lizzy thought.В «Could you get me some granola, the kind with raisins and almond slices?
«You got it.В Say, five pounds? Lizzy laughed.В «Yeah, Dad, five pounds.В I’ll freeze what I can’t eat. «I’ll use one of those big old scoops. «You’ll have to use a cart to carry it to the car,» Lizzy said, still When she hung up, she stopped laughing and went to her desk, got out her Hate Book, and took it over to her rocking chair.В In a perfect world, she certainly wouldn’t kill Jaycie, but this world wasn’t perfect, and it was something that had to be done, like getting a bad tooth worked on: the longer you tried to ignore it, the more it kept hurting you.В In the school library at Emek, she’d read in a human development book that said in most cases a child’s personality is ninety-eight percent in place by the time puberty starts.В Lizzy would be twelve in two months, and puberty had already started for her.В So not much time to fix the
She opened her book and glanced over random entries: ...hit me in my head with a strainer with hot spaghetti in it ...made fun of me in front of Cheryl and Rebekah ...told me somebody killed Mom with a gun ...sneaked up behind me and screamed and made me fall downstairs ...put ketchup in my bed ...put glue on my toothbrush ...cut h*les in all my underwear ...made fun of me in front of adults on the Alaska cruise ...told Mr.Samuels that I have mental problems and I am
Thumbing pages, it was hard to believe how much Jaycie had actually done to her.В And why?В Because Lizzy was more talented than Jaycie?В More musical?В Funnier?В Smarter?В Prettier?В Could sing better?В Or because Lizzy had accidentally hit her in the face with a sparkler on the Fourth of July?В Jaycie would probably say the last one; Lizzy knew it was the first She doubted there was any rat poison in the house.В She would look, but if none turned up, she would have to figure out a way to get some.В Once she had it, getting it into Jaycie would be easy: Jaycie would eat almost anything, and she preferred food somebody else cooked so she wouldn’t have to cook it herself.В Lizzy liked to cook with her mother.В Oh, and cooking was another thing Lizzy did better than . Invisible people had been talking to her since she was seven, but she didn’t recognize this voice.В «I don’t want to live with her anymore,» she answered . «So what?В I’m in jail now. «She’d probably say good riddance. «Okay, she’d be hurt and she’d cry.В But I gotta do something. Lizzy laughed and rocked in her chair.В «Oh, man, that would be so funny.В But she’d use the scissors to rip my throat out. The voice didn’t say anything.В Lizzy got up, hoping the conversation was over.В But the voice returned as she was gathering up her kill her.В I just hate her sometimes.В Mostly I love her, though, cause she’s my sister. She stood still, listening.В The only sound was silence.В Good.В She hid her books in her book bag, smiling at how easy it was to outsmart the voices. (If there are any formatting problems with that excerpt, blame f**king WordPress, not me.)
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